Kayaking and Relationships

Summer 2009

Planning and safety: Kayak outings need not be a shortcut to divorce court

This is an article from WaveLength Magazine, available in print in North America and globally on the web.

To download a pdf copy of the magazine click here: DOWNLOAD

By Michael Pardy

I was at a dinner party recently with a number of other kayakers. And as kayakers are wont, we turned our conversation to paddling. We quickly exhausted the usual topics – the relative merits of various pieces of gear, our latest on-water adventures, and our paddling plans for the summer. More interesting was the conservation that followed. It started when J (who is single) bemoaned the shortage of single paddlers and the challenges she faced when trying to introduce her latest partner to the sport. Apparently things weren’t going well on the water between J and her partner. Soon most of us were sharing our own challenges, misadventures and lessons from paddling with our families, wives, husbands and partners. It was a rich vein for conversation and kept us going for over an hour.

It also got me thinking about the experiences of other friends, family and colleagues. Over the years I have had versions of this conversation with my parents, my wife, my son, friends of the family and others. There is also a growing body of literature about relationships in outdoor sports. It is clearly a sensitive issue, but also an important one that speaks to the pleasures and challenges of kayaking with people emotionally important to us.

I have tried to look for underlying themes in these conversations and support this anecdotal evidence with the technical literature. There are two main challenges that have emerged as consistent issues facing families and couples in outdoor sports.

Different Goals and Expectations

One person’s passion is another’s part-time pastime, which can lead to conflict over time, money and commitment. Many couples and families want to spend time together recreating; conflict arises when limited resources have to be allocated. It is easy for one person in a relationship to feel undervalued in the face of a passion. One paddling friend actually describes herself as a kayak widow in the face of her partner’s passion.

Even if all members of the family enjoy paddling, they often enjoy paddling for different reasons. This point was brought home to me several years ago when my wife and I were planning a multi-day trip on the west coast with our four year old. I was looking forward to a few days on the open coast. My wife was more interested in exploring the local ecosystem. But it was my son who really brought the point home. His priority was to spend time with his family, regardless of our destination. We all wanted to go paddling, but for three distinct reasons.

Reconciling differing goals and expectations is not easy. The first step is actually articulating a set of goals and expectations. The second step is compromise. Not all goals and expectations can be accommodated in a single trip. Often family members and couples will have to create space for another’s passion. But equally, the passionate paddler will have to give up some water time for other priorities or work toward other goals on trips.

Learning from a Partner

Many friends expressed their frustration at learning from a more experienced partner. The learners all expressed feelings of vulnerability, which often went unacknowledged by the teacher/partner. The teachers often felt frustrated by the lack of speedy progress of their student/partner. The student-teacher relationship is based on a fundamental inequality that can be incompatible with our social relationships.

Many couples agreed it was better to learn from an independent instructor. If couples insisted on teaching and learning together they offered the following advice.

Teachers, acknowledge that learning takes time, practice and patience. Offer suggestions, not commands. Accept that your partner may not share your passion. Be honest about your own abilities, knowledge and experience.

Learners, accept that your partner may not be the best teacher, regardless of how much ability, knowledge and experience they have. Acknowledge that your partner wants you to succeed so you can enjoy the activity together. Be honest and gentle in your feedback.

I have had to work through many of these issues in my role first as boyfriend, then husband and now father. My wife occasionally reminds me I am lucky to still be around because early in our relationship I tried to teach her how to whitewater canoe. My tone of voice and style of teaching were better suited to working with male teenagers (with whom I had been teaching for a few years). The situation came to a head after a particularly challenging afternoon, and if we had been paddling a shorter canoe, she would have decapitated me with the paddle! I am happy to report we survived these early experiences and we continue to enjoy our time on the water together as a family.

When asked what skills would have the most impact on their enjoyment of paddling with their partners and families, most folks emphasized the need for better communication. Specifically, folks talked about the importance of listening to what is being said (and left unsaid), creating a time out for communication so the pressures of time and risk can be mitigated, and making sure everyone has a chance to talk.

None of this is new information to couples and families. What is perhaps new is its importance in paddling, where many of us turn to get away from the demands of work and family.

Michael Pardy lives in Victoria, where he runs SKILS Ltd. He can be reached at info@skils.ca.