Tips for Couples Paddling

December 2003 - January 2004

This is an article from WaveLength Magazine, available in print in North America and globally on the web.
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by Barbara Gail Warden

The author and paddling partner set off for an early morning jaunt.

Paddling with your significant other is great fun. Living on a sailboat, my boyfriend and I keep two kayaks on board, and use them almost daily—both together and apart. The solitary paddles (especially early in the morning, just after dawn breaks and the water is still) are often the more peaceful, but there’s really nothing quite like the joy of sharing an adventure with a loved one.

There’s also nothing quite like the challenge!

If you’re like me, you may remember not speaking to your boyfriend for days after you first drove his five-speed stick-shift car. Or, if you’re a guy, maybe you recall your girlfriend turning to you on the tennis court—in the middle of a match—to give you tips on your serve. Or maybe you can picture when your boyfriend tried to teach you a barrel roll—and you thought you were going to drown there, hanging helplessly upside down. Did he laugh as you scrambled out, dripping and steaming? Mine did.

I’m not sure about you, but these are not memories I cherish.

But I had no trouble learning the fivespeed standard transmission from the $300 instructor. And when the guide on the river taught me the roll, I learned it with ease (after all, women are built for it).

Why does it work this way? I don’t know, but for me, as for many others, when my paddling partner is my significant other, it’s different. While learning and doing fun things with people you care about brings its own set of rewards, experience teaches (occasionally painfully) that it also brings its own peculiar set of challenges. However, there’s good news. With a little forethought, the challenges can be overcome, leaving the rewards intact. Here are some essential rules to remember. They won’t address profound relationship topics, but they will tell you some things that men and women really need to know before setting off for an adventure together.

1. Remember that men are stronger than women.

Yes, we’ve all known it since childhood; it’s a no-brainer. What we don’t realize is just how much stronger men are. According to the International Fitness Association, the average woman has 55 percent less upper body strength than the average man. In other words, most women aren’t even half as strong as the average man.

Engrave this on your forehead. If you’ve never been adventuring as part of a couple before, I guarantee it will come as a surprise to both of you. I kayaked with my boyfriend for weeks before he realized I wasn’t feigning weakness to get him to carry the heavy stuff. He expected me to be able to move a fully loaded two-person kayak with ease. After seeing him pick it up and drag it with one hand, so did I. Not possible. Not even close. Empty, yes. Full, no. Did I mention that in addition to all our regular gear, it also held camping equipment, snorkeling gear, and three weeks’ worth of groceries? Once we realized that my strength is nothing compared to his, things became much more understandable. (And once he realized I wasn’t messing with him, he kind of liked the idea.)

So even though it may seem unreasonable, be sure to plan for a proportional distribution of the heavy labor. Remember, for example, that an even division in your backpacks seems fair, but is probably impractical. As time goes on, it’s only likely to frustrate both parties.

2. Know that women were born to kayak.

Strength apart, it must be admitted that in many ways women are better natural kayakers than men. Our bodies were designed for it. But if this fact is not handled with tact, paddling can become a contest! Men carry their center of gravity high, in their shoulders. In a boat, a high center of gravity makes you less stable and more inclined to tip. Women have a low center of gravity, so are naturally more stable in a kayak. As for hip flicks—how many men have you seen doing the hula? The femurs in women’s legs join the hip at a slight angle, rather than the straight line of male anatomy, and our waists tend to be thinner than the rest of our bodies. Both these physical characteristics make it easier for women to make the subtle bend and quick weight shift needed for a hip flick. My boyfriend, an experienced kayaker, was somewhat chagrined to see my technique in this area quickly surpass his, especially when it started coming in handy as we ventured into less predictable waters. Knowing it’s only anatomy keeps me from rubbing his nose in it. Just as knowing it’s only anatomy that keeps him from rubbing my nose in his superior strength. Mostly.

3. Ask yourself: have you ever spent this much time together?

If you’re ‘kayak camping’ with a significant other you don’t live with, some habits may come as a surprise—or a shock! Remember the first time you went away on a trip with one of your best friends? Was it an eye-opener? It usually is. I remember high school class trips chiefly for the fact that all our best friends came home ‘not talking’ to each other.

So be prepared to realize that the cheerful morning persona you’ve encountered a few days a week may be a well-intentioned act. Or that you have differing needs for orderliness, despite the fact that you both usually clean up your places when the other one comes over.

Be ready to be silent until the first cup of coffee is consumed. Get geared up to be flexible about shared chores. And planning agendas. And sleeping times. And who likes to be zipped securely inside the tent and who likes to sleep out in the open under the glorious starry night sky. On the last one, there are solutions—you can split up for the night (though most people don’t really like that one), or take turns. My boyfriend and I now decide where to sleep according to the insect count. One very long night of mosquito clouds on the beach gave me a whole new appreciation for the comfort of a bug-free environment. And a single magical night of hundreds of shooting stars converted my boyfriend from an ardent tent fan to a keen outdoor sleeper.

Oops. We forgot our PFDs for this posed photo. Quick trip back to the boat to get them.

4. Don’t worry about gender roles.

I have female friends who cook and clean up after every meal. Some prefer it this way; some are at best reluctantly chivvied into this role. I have male friends who do all the cooking and cleaning in their couple. Some love it; some hide it from their buddies because of the ribbing they get for it. I’ve found that I’m overly sensitive about making sure I don’t get all the domestic chores (the so called ‘women’s work’).

On an adventure, there are two words to be said on this topic: Forget it. In these circumstances, everyone needs to do whatever needs doing and not think twice about it. If you can divvy up the chores beforehand, so much the better, but otherwise just don’t worry about it. For me, raised with two brothers and hearing every day, “They can do that because they’re boys” and “You have to do this because you’re a girl”, this is a very difficult concept. I find myself counting how many times I cook versus how many times my boyfriend does. How many times I clean the frying pan while he cleans the fish. Why should I care? I don’t even particularly like cleaning fish—if I had to choose which task I actually liked better, I don’t know which it would be. Doesn’t matter. I still care. Everyone who shares this issue agrees: whoever happens to be free just has to do what needs to be done— whatever it is.

5. Remember to share the good times.

One thing I’ve learned about couples adventuring is that although sometimes it can make you crazy with each other, if you do it right (often it seems like we’re still learning!) it can also bring you much closer. Done the best way, kayaking with your significant other is an experience in adventure, excitement and trust. It can give you a much more intimate connection than most couples you know. (Although intimacy in this case can refer to everything from sharing fears, to shared reliance, to seeing feminine products at close range.) Many married people go years without relying on their spouses to the extent you do on one good kayak trip. So enjoy it—and remember to tell your partner how much more fun you had because you did it with him or her. For me, that’s what makes it the best adventure of all.

© Barbara Gail Warden, a former advertising and public relations executive, does most of her kayaking from her 40-foot sailboat, Solace, on which she is making a sailing circuit of the Caribbean.