New Beaufort Scale Discovered

June-July 1996

This is an article from WaveLength Magazine, available in print in North America and globally on the web.

by Hank Knowlton

In 1805, British Admiral Sir Francis Beaufort devised a method for measuring wind speed by carefully watching the effect of the wind on the ocean waves and ships' sails. His measurement technique became a standard for the British Navy and was rapidly adopted by mariners all over the world. It was later modified for use on land. Today, almost two hundred years later, the Beaufort Scale is still used by seafarers and outdoor people to judge wind speed.

Even after the invention of the anemometer in the early 1900s, the Beaufort family clung steadfastly to the traditions of their patriarch and were content to bask in the limelight of his fame. Over time, the family fortunes inexorable eroded. Stanley, the last direct descendent of Sir Francis, was born in 1937.

Like all the Beauforts before him, Stanley refused a conventional education. In the ultimate expression of a no-frills apprenticeship, he would simply find smart people and follow them around. When he felt ready, he signed on a cruise ship where he toiled for fourteen years, eventually becoming a waiter. He was summarily dismissed for what the Ship's Log describes cryptically as a "major utensil violation" and promptly put off the ship on a trash strewn strip of the North American coast.

With no satisfactory references, no education and only the most rudimentary job skills, Stanley was forced into the only position that would take him. He became a TV Weather Reporter.

At first, things went well at the third tier TV station where Stanley ebulliently hosted two shows a day. The viewers were charmed by his British accent and seemingly unperturbed by his forecasts that were almost always wrong. At the end of his second season, however, Federal Communications Commission examiners were buzzing all over Stanley like drunken jetskiers tormenting a kayak. It turned out he had used no weather instruments whatsoever and the "satellite images" he so smugly displayed were actually photographs of Automobile Club road maps painted with white correcting fluid to simulate cloud cover. He was banned from television for life.

Weeks later, he disappeared while solo paddling on a small lake known to be frequented by large mouth bass. No body was ever recovered. Campfire stories about the incident abound. Locally, the tales have achieved the status of an urban myth.

That would have brought an end to the legacy had it not been for Stanley's landlady who, while disposing of his meager possessions, found a leather bound journal that she sent to a local historian. A quick review revealed much more mettle in Stanley than his pitiable life had suggested. He had developed a new Beaufort scale. This one used observational skills to estimate temperature ranges.

It is published here for the first time.

Beaufort Temperature Scale-Range Observations

90° F to 110° F

. Barefoot beachgoers line dance frantically on the hot sand.
. Siskel sweats as much as Ebert.
. Newspaper editors discover global warming issue.
. Eau Claire changes name to Eau Hot.
. Ontario canoe owners portage boats around town just to be in the shade.
. UV ravaged Alaskans evacuate to underground shelters.
. Manatees become cranky.

67°F to 89°F

. Arizona residents turn on the furnace.
. Jetskiers drive 500 miles to find a pristine spot to drink beer.
. Rumors of Everglade paddlers devoured by insects squelched by tourist board. Alligators blamed instead.
. Fashion police cite thousands of bare-legged New Jersey men for wearing black socks with sandals. Women cited for exceeding spandex safety limits.
. OFF becomes best selling fragrance in Wisconsin.

45°F to 66°F

. California parka sales soar.
. Tourists flock to watch New England trees turn LL Bean colored.
. Heat stroke injuries keep Yukon paramedics hopping.
. Baywatch beauties switch to flannel thong bikinis.
. Urban rivers lose some their stench and begin to coagulate in the shallows.
. Georgia paddlers freak when they hear banjo music coming from behind the bushes on the bank.

33°F to 44°F

. Wharf rats become sluggish.
. Minnesota campers think about pitching tent but get inside sleeping bag instead.
. Greenlanders dream of an Antarctic getaway.
. Only Michigan paddlers do rolls for fun.
. Lawyers begin putting their hands in their own pockets.
. Burly Northwest kayakers zip up paddling jackets. Male club members follow suit.

-15°F to 3°F

. Florida navels turn black and shrivel.
. Newspaper editors do global warming myth stories.
. Flashers call in sick.
. New York emergency rooms report increase in middle finger frostbite cases.
. Alaskans notice a nip in the air. Put on long sleeve shirts.
. Jetskiers regroup and come roaring back on snowmobiles.